I thought I would start off with opening up a bit more, being a little bit more vulnerable perhaps in an attempt to grow and move on from some fears that have been for years holding me back. I want to share with you a little more of who I am and who I do not want to be anymore. As many of you who have followed my journey know that we have been taking our son Liam to therapy sessions to help with his anxiety and his social growth. What I didn’t know at the onset was how much these sessions have revealed parts of me of who I am that have not only affected some of my son’s behaviour but also how it has affected me in how I look and see things. What our therapist has gotten me to realize is that I am a perfectionist. I have always strived to be perfect at everything that I do. Whether it related to my education when I was younger to how I approach my occupation and work in my older years. That said the drive to be perfect does create anxiety within me so much so that if there is something that I want to do but there is a chance that I cannot be good at it then I don’t do it at all. I’d rather not attempt it than risk some degree of failure.
I really don’t know where this came from, but I can perhaps relate it to my childhood since at a very young age, I always wanted to be the perfect daughter. My parents are amazing. The were full of unconditional love and I never needed anything because they gave me everything if that makes sense. It is hard to explain fully but my mom is the kind of person who is always worried (I’ve taken that trait as well). Even if there is nothing to be stressed about, guaranteed she will find something (usually something unrealistic) to worry about. So as a child, I always tried my best to make her happy and proud so she wouldn’t have to worry. Being perfect in her eyes and in my head resulted in one less thing she had to be stressed about. To this day, I call her all the time to tell her that I am ok (even when I’m not) so that she doesn’t have to stress about me.
While there is nothing inherently wrong with striving to be perfect, it is not realistic to achieve that in all that we do. Unrealistically, I try to be the perfect wife and mother, have the perfect home, the flawless appearance or even the perfect Instagram pictures. But as we know in the real world, life is life and shit happens. Things may not necessarily follow a straight line and the path we follow may be littered with bumps and detours along the way. Looking back over the years, I’ve come to realize that I did miss a few things in life because in my mind perhaps, the path to perfection was not easy and I choose not to take the risk.
I guess why I’m going down this road of self-evaluation now at this stage in my life and wanting to make changes is that I’m slowly starting to see some of my behaviour in Liam. It is very difficult for me to say this but even more so it is difficult for me to see some of the traits that have hampered my personal growth in my son. Just as I always tried to please my mother when I was a child, Liam at 6 is always constantly trying to make me happy and proud. If he can’t make me happy or he does something that he is not supposed to do, there is a sense of panic in him as he waits for my acknowledgement, good or bad. In his daily activities, he gets extremely frustrated and can be inconsolable when he can’t accomplish something or if something he’s trying to do breaks. Our therapist has calmed our concern since at his age, this behaviour and inability to control his emotion is entirely normal. I worry however that just like me, he doesn’t or is afraid to take risks because I believe he fears not being good at it. There is a sense of guilt in me that he does feel that way and I never want that for him. As parents we always want our children to be better versions of ourselves. I want my son to be not afraid to take risks as I was or am. I want him or rather I want to teach him that there is nothing wrong with striving to be the best at the things but there is also nothing wrong with encountering a few speed bumps along the way.
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